I take so many photos and have been digging out old ones. I couldn't figure out what to do with them. I starred at the notebook I started and nothing worked. This is why I like process. It keeps you going through all the frustration. I always manage to come up with what I want.

Small world, black hole. where ever I go I always seem to come back. If only .... well forget if only. Framing 2 pieces of new work. See what happens.

Feb.28 8:36 am

Visited my small world and couldn't get out. I have some much in my mind but couldn't figure anything out. Spent all day Friday determined to bring the large Cheerleader painting to an end,successful end. Don't know,not happy with it. not that it's bad. I took yesterday. I didn't want to talk to anyone and certainly didn't want to do more bad art. Some big issues last week distracted me and I needed time to myself. I have to move away from the painting and come up with a different approach. Was on a high after visiting the Gorky show so got a ticket for Picasso.

Sat at the computer and with wine in hand searched for doggie pictures. I HAVE doggie pictures.

That is were I screwing up. I can always do the painting,I can do that in my sleep. It's what and how to paint it. I can paint the doggie pictures but how to do it fresh.

I need to deliver 2 pieces to a gallery today and refuse to take old or reworked crap! So yesterday I cleared my head and this morning was determined to figure it out. At least a start.

Feb. 23 6:32 am

Eureka! Brainstorm. I found a bunch of cosmetic bags and they are the perfect size for my current notebooks. I carry them around with paint,magazine clippings and a box of oil pastels which spilled all over yesterday. Well,this new idea puts each one in it's own container. So far I have 7 started. I have so many books in various states of falling apart- ness. I also don't want to give up any original brilliance. "Behave" was one of my first. Then, "The Rule Book" then "How to Choose a Boy". I'll go back to that one first, since it will be with my dog day show. I make no sense!

But this is how the process works, it all,and will come together. Reading one now I forgot "See

Her Change" It was a small book about 2"x 3" and with regret,took apart. Now,`that is one for the cosmetic bag that I can put together.

This is the merge. Now,to figure out how to do this in real life.

Feb 20 8:19 am

Worked most of yesterday on the Cheerleader painting. So,it isn't about good or bad painting.

It's about want I want to do with the idea. The model to the painting and how to abstract it. I'm trying to learn from myself. The painting is 4 x 5 ft. Also need to put it aside,finish the notebook and concentrate on building my found object sculpture.I also have to step back and decide what is going where.I end up spending time on these experiments like a mad scientist and forget everything else. I merged the model on to the painting so I'm thinking of a large transparent drawing glued to the surface of the canvas.

Feb 18th 7:21

Woke up this morning with the strangest thought. Not a dream but a recollection of something about a vise. Kept playing it over and over in my head until I remembered it was a TV show.There was this shadow of a women,small,and this giant vise squeezing her to death. It was "The Vise"

Caught in the jaws of a vice,stories of people caught in dilemmas of their own making.

So just one of my thoughts. I seem to get myself in places I don't want to be. Ah the disease to please.

Yesterday worked on a few things at work I have a 5 yr old assistant who helps me cut and paste.

I like her thoughts. She'll too much black or don't change the cover. I take it all in,it's honest.

Feb 16 7:24 am

A day off was great. Was on the 6:15am bus to NYC yesterday. something about watching the sunrise over the NJ turnpike that made me feel like Ratso Rizzo from "Midnight Cowboy"

I went to a dog show,the dog show! Thinking about my dog show in July, I decided to divide the space and show paintings and photographs. So,took over 100 at the show. Tried to get some good candid shots most people never see in the bench area. Might even try some B/W since I got a 35mm on ebay last year and haven't tried it yet. Sunday spent the day at Highwire working on my notebooks. Have the Visible Boy started and the Prairie Dog. Made some changes to the Cheerleader. Still haven't figured out June. thinking something big but need to see the space.

Also decided to stop painting on the old canvases. Curators will have to x-ray to discover my genius. I'll save them the work.

So 2 books to work on today.

Read a great article in the New Yorker magazine about mules. I think I'll get that wolfhound instead!

Feb 9 6:29

I figured it out. Everything comes together. That is what I call the process and that is why that is what I make and do. Last week I had a conversation about what is abstract vs non- objective. My work is abstract but looks non-objective. It comes from something and actually goes back to something. What went wrong with the cheerleader was when I went to paint it I couldn't get the

image out of my head so I printed the pages and taped them together. When I held them to the light I was able to draw a simply image on the back without detail. Took those images to the painting.

And the visible boy will soon be a book. He's hopping all over my website. That,the website,is another work in progress.

Feb.7 7:40 am

What a confusing day on Friday. all set to work and I can't find the cheerleader book "Book of Many Secrets" I searched everywhere. I loose stuff all the time but to loose this was a crisis.

I decided to head out with big dog and wiener dog,go to the vet,then retrace my steps. Takes forever to get through the office with wiener dog but finally get to my room. More attention to wiener dog. No book,the kids know it since some of them sit while I work. This is a mystery for sure.

It's in a plastic bag with a book to cut up,oil pastels and a glue stick. Drop off BD and WD and go on more errands. I have a opening to go to tonight but really not in the mood. Expecting snow.

Home again and get a call from work the bag was found near the gym. Weird but back I go sans

BD and WD. All ends around 5. I'll work on Sat.

So,Sat comes and I do finish most of the pages for the paintings. I scan and print thinking I'll make small canvases of these. All is well until I go to bed and think it's a crummy idea. I laid them out but thinking of taping them together like I did the book of lies. I also need to get out the typewriter and come up with some secrets. Secrets and lies. Works for me.

Feb 5 8:09 am

Going back to the original notebook I got out this painting to either work on or paint over.

Title, "Where Dreams Go". To understand I go back to when I was leaving my big house. Mr Put You Down,yes ,we are back to him,had this habit of blowing smoke in my dog's face or,when I would go to bed,stand at the bottom of the steps and blow smoke up to the second floor. Anyway,

where do dreams go? they go up in smoke. To this day I hate the smell of cigarettes. Makes me zone out. Why do people want to smell that way. I gave my talk the other night and realize I need to listen more to what say. Have lots of work to do today. I have lots of compositions ready for the cheerleader. And want to start the dog days book.

Feb.2 6:36 am

Now I no for sure I am nuts! Got up at 4 am as usual. Out with the dogs, turn on computer,start the water boiling, bring in the dogs and feed them and then, I go in to the dining room to plug in a glue gun. Why? It's 4 am What is wrong with me. I took several things apart and can't stand them just sitting unfinished plus I came up with the idea they should all be more of a group. Well,unplugged the glue gun and decided to go back to where I left off in the notebook from 2007. I had picked up a deck of cards called the "Whack Pack" trying to whack myself in the head. Things were so confusing for me then,not that I'm still not confused,but I just couldn't concentrate. I did lots of reading trying to find that one voice,that one comment. I made lots of lists of what was important and what was not.One thing I noted was to go back to my most successful pieces and figure out what made them good. Hey! I think I'll take my own advice. That's why the the last big painting failed. Yoda said "Try? There is no try. There is do or not do"

Feb 1 5:11

After dragging the painting up to the garage and spraying it I decided I didn't like it,why waste any more time and paint. Now what am going to do. I need work for my gallery and have nothing. The other painting I did manage to fix but I'm working on top of something ,that is to say there is a painting underneath. That's the cheerleader. The book is started,the painting and the model is home so forget about that for a while.

Here is what I did. I took small 6"x8" prints of the Evening Bag becomes the Lady in Red becomes disaster and glued them on little canvases. Then used paint and oil pastel to create a bunch of Miss America's These guys are little and all are 3-D .I broke apart a bunch of cameras for the heads and the clothing is made vintage paper dolls. This painting went from 6 ft to 6 in.

I have to give a talk on Wed night on how I do what I do,I actually I just make stuff,all the time.By the way,had a miserable day on Friday which is probably why I screwed up the big painting but I am able to process the crappy side of my life and push forward with something new.