October 21,2012 6:03am
Trying to work out Matisse Studio so I can get it on the canvas today. Weather is still warm so I can work in the garage. I have this one to lay out,at least get the wash of color and Matisse Couch. Both will be the same size since that's what's left in canvas inventory. I'll need to order more canvases. I made a list of the artists left in the first studio series. Palettes of Derain. I  took my big Derain canvas off the stretchers. Thinking of gluing it on wood. Back to the list.Small square canvases for Braque.
Leger and a portrait of LeCourbusier,he was kind of freaky looking.Villion,who had a shelf ala Cezanne. That should do it. I need to work on the photographs I took at Homer's studio. Need to decide what size. Oh, and the 2 paintings sitting on  the deck  I've been spray painting.
Other than that?
I have another application for an opportunity in Maine. When I got off the Downeaster in Portland last week I thought" Are you nuts " How the hell am I going to drag this stuff to Maine.So rather then worry about that I'll do another now that's nuts!
Sun will be up in about half an hour,time to get to work.

October 20 2012 7:37 pm
On the deck.What a beautiful night. Listening to music and having wine and wrapped up in my Our Lady of Guadalupe Robe. I realized today I need her back in my life. So on my way to Highwire I played her music.
I wanted to start my Winslow Homer studio drawings but need to finish Matisse. Worked today on his studio. Then took a walk to a motorcyle shop..Matisse paintings will be about 40 x 60.
I'm distracted.

October13th 6:50am
Just a few days ago I stood in the rain on these rocks in Maine. How many years ago Winslow Homer sat on these same rocks just watching the sea. I learned so much about this man in just 1 week. But  that will come later. I have one more painting to finish in my first studio series as I also begin the next. As soon as I saw the interior of Homer's studio I had in in my head. I can see it on the canvas. Just like I saw Cezanne's I can see Homer's. The chair,his pipe the fireplace. I have a new bag of paint I haven't looked in but I'm sure I'll need different colors. Deep brown and reds. and when I saw his paintings he had the hint of a blue,beautiful blue. And the size is important. In Cezanne's it was about the shelf and the ladders. Homer needs to be more intimate yet the scale still the same. I think I'll do some of the long skinny pieces of his bed. I'm also looking at John Marin,well,since I saw his work on the first trip to Maine and then at the MET over the summer. And can't forget Eakins. This is my new trio!Eakins was a real weirdo,actually a real creep! More on him later also. Oh and why do I take the train. Everyone asks why the train. I can't imagine Winslow Home on anything but a train,had to be a train.As he made his way up the coast through the same towns looking out the window just like me!

           " Seems to me,"he has stated the true artist must perforce go from time to time to the
            elemental forms Sky,Sea,Mountain,Plain and those things pertaining there to,to sort
            of  re-think himself up,to recharge the battery! For those big forms have everything
            But to express these,you have to love these to be part of these in sympathy. One doesn't
            get very far without this love.
                    John Marin
       

September 27th 6:17pm
I am so tired. I have had so many sleepless nights lately and was up today 4am. But!
But! I did it. I finished the proposal for a gallery in Maine and yes, I mailed it today on my break.
 Lot's of angst over this. I haven't applied to a gallery in years and I have become very secure in my little world. Highwire is safe. Now,I'm putting it out there and have to brace for reject. And should I get it I have to brace for expense! Costs a lot to paint those big paintings. But I made the commitment to myself. I often think about other people my age.They worked and now enjoy babysitting,taking senior cruises or are dead! Me,I keep pushing. I'm not trying to prove anything nor do I think I'll be famous.

I like it! So,Enter back Mr. Devil.He's watching CNN.He is keeping me straight. I did a series of paintings of this guy which I don't think I posted but you can be sure I will.
I am teaching a class on "Dreaming Outside of the Box" about Chagall and Man Ray.Well, Sat Mr.D in my bedroom last night and bring on the nightmares. I say thanks,it was exhausting but I needed the info. He wants to go to Portland next week.He's a First Class Devil so shouldn't he ride on a First class train!

September 26th 7:49Pm
What a beautiful night. On the deck listening to music.Waitied all day for the rain,never came. I had to move paintings today so started early. Can't beleive a month has gone by. Now,more work for some new shows.There is so much going on now I should probably write in the notebook with the black sharpie.I need to get some stuff out of my head and that was the only way I could,just kind of spill it.

I'll be right back,just thought of..............my old friend. Meet "Mr.Devil". I met this guy many years ago in Juarez Mexico. I don't know what it is about him but,I brought him home and here he is. He usually sits on the mantle but lately he has been up to some nasty tricks. Never,ever,EVER,make a deal with a devil. All of a sudden my focus is gone,my head is spinning, and I am falling back into the black hole.
I worked so hard on my show that I lost focus. The committment I made to myself. This is it.This is the last shot. I need the body of work. Every day,all summer,up at 4am working and for what? The what was a goal. I wanted to know if I could still do"it",still paint.Could I put it on a blank space? It is something that I can't explain but like a drug,I need it.
Well,back to my devil friend.
Know the old saying? Never make a deal with the devil? Well,I did. and now my head is so messed up.
But,it's all about the work,and all I care about is the work!

September 9 2012 7:35
On the deck listening to my records. Worked all day at Highwire on this painting.Changed the chairs and coated the blue with a layer of ink. I won't be back until next week but I think I made some progress.I got some new books I can't wait to read. Dr.Barnes on Cezanne and anothe on Mattise.

September 9 2012    6:21am
I did it. finished the work and filled the walls. I had all the drawings and collage but as of June had not started the canvases. I knew I could do it but knowing and doing are 2 different things. anyway the opening was mobbed. I actually sold 3 pieces which always makes for a good feeling. And,to sell to artists is what I like. Years ago in Santa Fe I was called a painters painter. And the strangest of all things. Thursday evening I received an e-mail from a man who had purchased a painting "South Pueblo" from my first show in Santa Fe at Blair Galleries.I remember that painting. I had shown it at the Butler Institute in Youngstown Ohio and took it with me when I had a show in El Paso Texas. I hung my show at the University of Texas at El Paso then went roaming around New Mexico trying to get a gallery. With slides,a resume and South Pueblo I got in the Blair Gallery. They liked my work so bumped another artist out of a spring show and gave it to me. It was September and I had to get back to El Paso,take down my show,get back to New Jersey and dream up what I was going to paint.some how I did it and somehow that man showed up and went home with "South Pueblo". The year was 1978. That was then and this is now. Oh the "now". Morris Blackburn,an instructor at PAFA always talked about the now. I tried to explain the now to someone the other day and he didn't get it. White bread and the now. The new PBJ. The now is the moment. Live in the moment. Who knows?
Like the opening Friday night. All the work,planning,struggling brings you to the now,the moment when it all comes togther,it's real and then time to move forward to the next challenge.

I was watching Alan Gilbert last night. I remember him as a young conductor.I took him to St Cecilia's School in Pennsauken N.J. to talk to the students. He was a very quiet and reserved young man. That was a moment in time I will never forget,I'm sure he has. But he was living in the now. Talking to young children about the violin and his work as a conductor. Last night I watched him as he conducted the New York Philharmonic Orchestra.
I went to Highwire yesterday and worked on some new Picasso Stuff paintings. Today,Cezanne's studio,this big one comes off the wall to work on. I'm not happy with the blue floor.

September 3,2012 10:34 am
It is pouring rain so my plan to either move paintings or work on the deck are out the window.
Trying to get this Cezanne Studio #2 finished but tough since I'm working in the garage.
I want this one to be totally different. Color brighter.There are 2 chairs and Cezanne's coat and his brown leather bag. Not there yet,but,I'll get there.
Having a Sea Dog Blueberry beer. Thinking it might hasten the process. I've been up since 3:38 am.I had a cup of coffee and checked the weather and there seemed to be a window of clearing so,I cleared a spot on my deck hoping to move this painting outside.Can't decide if I want to put the stuff on the shelf but it wouldn't be the studio without them and the floor needs work. I'll have a second Sea Dog Bluberry beer. Put the stuff on the shelf and take another photo.

September 1 2012 5:17am
This is Cezanne's Studio 2. Bigger than the first one. I took it to Highwire to work on it and make sure the composition was correct,now,it will go on the deck to finish. I was going to try a different studio but since I have been working on this image for over a year it made more sense.
John Marin, the great painter of Maine, would look at things that were big when he needed some help with his work, He look at the ocean or a mountain. I decided to go look at NYC since no mountain or ocean was available, Just wandered around. Picked up a book at the Strand,well picked up a few. That was Wed. Thurs was a hectic day and I was sitting on the deck with this painting,my NYTimes paper pile and a glass of wine and...............I crashed and burned! I got up and just went to bed with my dogs.
7:30 I went to bed and slept all night. All of a sudden I felt like someone had put a pillowcase over my head and I was smothering. Yesterday up at 4am. I went to Highwire with this big friend,a cheese sandwich and gallon of iced tea. Worked on and off then waited for it to dry.Last night I watched a film"What Happened to Jack Kerouac"my hero! I listen to him on the radio in the truck. In fact,I got the CD's when I thought I might drive to Maine.
         From Pomes All Sizes 1955-1960
            Came down from my
                  ivory tower
            And found no world


                   Jack Kerouac

August 28th 8:26pm
Wow,I did it,well,not totally yet but almost. Never been satisfied with a show until now.I'm in the breezeway with my girls listening to my radio. I still listen to the radio. Oscar Peterson playing.I think about all these famous people and famous quotes. The one that sticks in my mind tonight is Edison. Thomas Edison. I don't have the exact words but something like the day you quit,success might be the next day.something like that. I didn't give up this summer. I kept going 100 degrees in the garage and I kept going. I just wanted to paint my pictures,paint paint paint. Paint on the sink,my hair,Matilda Jane.

Just wanted to paint my pictures.

August 27 at 8:27am
Just made it! I picked up a certain color paint I needed for Cezanne's Studio and had to get on the deck before the rain. Hope it's done this time. I'll know better when I get it to Highwire. doesn't look like weather is going to cooperate but as long as there is no wind. I have another I'm starting and 3 to finish.
Probably all won't go in the show,never know. A friend said,your focused! Focused for sure. When I looked at a painting yesterday of Cezanne's I had this flash of one of the first art books I had. Sometime when I must have also gotten "The Artist in the Studio". "Art Appreciation Made Simple" It had this painting of a mountain on the cover and a sticker $1.95. There is was yesterday,that mountain. And here I am today.I think I wanted to live in a sewer in France back then,anything to escape the mundane.

This artist life was for me! I overhead some egghead make a remark about a painting yesterday. Oh,she says "He's just a copycat". Aren't we all? Sun is out again but I'll stay in the garage.

Okay,no date,no nothing. I have accidently deleted my blah blah of my incredible weekend, So, this is "For Derain"60"x 72"and the first painting I did for my show. What I wrote in my deleted mess was I had to go to the museum to look at his painting which I saw but didn't realize it was his. It was my favorite in the "Arcadia" exhibit and I had already done at least 5 of his studio.The comment was he swam upstream.Swam upstream. I love it. Found a great book about Kandinsky.Had a beer and cheese crackers. Anyway,then went to the Barnes.Me,the one that thought moving the Barnes was a travisty,have been there 3 times this month. Had to get this super membership which lets me in anytime. Checked out the library.Then my new best friend Cezanne. I 'm almost finished Cezannes studio.All 12' feet. I worked most of the day yesterday,on the deck. I'm excited. I haven't worked this much in years. I've missed it.Anyway,I'm on the deck now thinking about the movie I watched last night. The Razors Edge. I wondered as I watched why people,including myself,get so lost. Lost in all the crap of the day. I don't feel lost any more. I just let other people get in my space. This person I am now is all I ever wanted to be,why some people think I should have been something else I'm not sure.I'ts been like Derain,swimming upstream!

August 24,2012

Well,I'm back. I wanted to save my return to the blog until my new show was up but too much has happened and I really didn't feel like it until yesterday. I was at a meeting and a friend came up to me and said some truly  beautiful things to me. This was my response. I told her I decided that this summer I wanted to see what my potencial was, I wanted to see if I could reach back and realize what I was capable of doing. I spent the entire summer on developing,creating and working on my painting. No tricks,no cutting up. If something doesn't work,no trashing.Working it out,frustratedsometimes but having the courage to keep it going. I did go to the sea in June to prepare my head. Alone,looking at the water and walking, breathing. Only a few weeks left of school and I took off. Felt good. Anyway,all the drawings and collage I had done at Highwire had to somehow guide me. For the first time in a  very long time I knew I could do it. I finally had confidence in myself. I had Ginny! When I picked her up at the shelter I told her SHE was the first thing I ever did on my own. No asking advice from anyone. I wanted her and I got her. All by myself. She had a terrible accident a month ago and had 2 surgery's. I couldn't imagine what I would do if something happened to her.                                                                    
Back to the painting. Up every day at 4am. My studio is in the gargae now. I can work better with the dogs around  me plus I think the basement is creepy.Like you have the weight of the house on you and you can't breath. I went to that book. The Artist in his Studio.I took it every weekend to Highwire.Cezanne's studio was the first. Hard to believe I worked on that image over a year. I memorized it so that when I started the painting I knew how I wanted it to look. It's 12ft long. Got it togther in 4 days. Hauling it back and forth to Highwire so I could see the scale.I never really liked Cezanne or should probably say never paid much attention. Now,well now we communicate. Come Cezanne,from your grave give me a break!He had a long shelf in his studio and a big ladder to reach for his things. I understand it now.I have one more big piece to go,72"x 180".I not sure what will go on that one.

May 28th 2012
Wow almost 2 years have gone by since I wrote on this and so much happening. Anyway,who cares.
Got a new notebook and new sharpie pen. First thing in my head this morning,which, is what gave me the courage to start this up again was a poem. I'll get to that. In looking back at all the stuff I was working on
like the "Dog Boy" That was a pretty decent painting. I was moving it one day and he decided to sit up in the truck and snapped in half. The other small pieces,gone and recycled into some lame project. No big deal. I have lots of books left and the dog book has a little case I made out of an old record player. Without going back,not sure if I wrote about Polly Anne. She's gone and in the shrine with Madeline.
Matilda Jane joined the girls,born on the day I lost Polly. Okay, the poem:
                    I must go down to the seas again to the lonely sea and the sky
                   And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by
                   And the wheel's kick and the winds song and the white sail shaking
                   And a grey mist on the sea's face and a grey dawn breaking
                   I must go down to the seas again for the call of the running tide
                   Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied
                  And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying
                 And the flung spray and the blown spume and the sea gulls crying
                 I must go down to the sea again to the vagrant gypsy life
                 To the gulls way and the whales way where the winds like a whetted knife
                 And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow rover

                And a quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long tricks over.