Jan 30 5:51 am

I wish I could understand how my mind works. I was waiting for a train yesterday,nobody on the platform and just the sound of this leaking water pipe dripping. The echo of the sound filled the tunnel. I started to count the tiles on the floor and figured there were 5 tiles then the yellow strip then the tracks. That's all, just 5 tiles. I figured if you walked those 5 tiles it would take about 5 seconds and then you would be on the yellow strip, then the tracks so say total 8 seconds.

The train could never stop in 8 seconds. That's what I thought listening to the dripping water pipe.

Jan 29th 4:40 am

Working on 2 big paintings, and 1 book as well as reading notebook from 2007. not happy with the paintings so I'll bring one up to the garage to spray paint. When in doubt, spray. I was working on a puppet head that was to be exhibited in an alumni show. It was August and I was spray painting an old porch column for the pedestal. Bright yellow needs several coats. Upon delivery of this bright yellow pedestal and puppet head I was going through the toll booth on the bridge and turned to see the band from Star Wars sitting in my truck!. Never,never spray paint in August without a mask,ended up in the emergency room.So, it's about 20 degrees today so I'm spray painting the evening bag who became the Lady in Red. I'm re-working the whole composition of the 2nd painting.I cut up a book on 20th century art and added some or should I say borrowed some shapes from Picasso,he'll never find out. Now the good news is in the 2007 notebook I found a series of drawings. Self portraits with dogs and some of my cat Rudy. I'll use these for the July show. Lady in Red has to be delivered Sun so hopefully I won't screw up.

I also took the heads off of 3 of the DaDa dolls. Not a big deal,I do this all the time.

Jan 26 5:23 am

Got up early and read the entire notebook from 2004. Wow was that boring. sometimes it's hard to remember what a struggle these last 10-12 years have been. Struggling to get back my art was like starting all over. The work was so bad ,yet,I kept on going. Remember a friend said "The art will get you through." She was right. I found the dog picture of Raven so I can start that book.

The cheerleader is going fine. This will be different Miss America. More abstract. Also decided to take a few shadow box frames apart to put my books in. Thinking if I leave the glass off you can turn the pages. One thing of interest from 2004 was the devil puppet showed up again.

this is the poem I start the new book with seems like it goes with the theme. not sure where

I found it. I'll get out the typewriter so I can ad words to the pages.

Everyone whacks her with tiny blows

the way you peel an egg.

With desperate bursts of perfume

she strikes back at the world

With sharp giggles she gets even

For all the sadness.

and with quick little fallings-in-love,

like burps and hiccups of feeling.

A terrorist of sweetness.

she stuffs bombshells with despair and cinnamon,

with cloves,with shrapnel of love.

at night when she tears off her jewelry,

there's a danger she won't know when to stop

and will go on tearing and slashing away at her whole life.

Jan 24 4:37 am

Back to a notebook from 2004. this page is so ridiculous

I had to take a photo. I love "The Song of Bernadette"

The book Franz Werfel,a worldly man,a European Jew who would drink from the spring at Lourdes everyday praying for a miracle I guess because he was trying to escape with Alma Mahler,European wench who was carrying Gustav Mahler's musical scores. Franz vowed if he ever got out of Europe he would write the "Song of Bernadette" He did and Alma took up with Klimt or Kokoschka or was that before Werfel. Who knows.

2004 was when I started to use the computer. I drew kitchen tools and would work over and over just trying to learn all the effects. Printed then then either drew or used them in collage. It certainly turned out to be a very minor phase although I did win a prize from the Fellowhip of The Pennsylvania Academy. That made it worth it. I drew a toaster,turned it upside down and it became a dog.

Jan 22 12:pm

I guess last week wasn't as bad as I thought since I did manage to start this painting.

Not done yet but soon.

Painting is big about 4 x 6 ft.

Jan 22 8:29am

It's art day and hopefully will go better than last week which became make bad art,feel miserable,drink some wine and fall asleep day. Working on Hazel before going to the paint.

I have lots of new colors to try to work on the Cheerleader. Please don't call my models robots.

they are more like prototypes. Another page from my writing which no one understands. I like that. I like having or doing something that no person understands. that way I always have something of my own. Can't take away can't change because you don't get it Ha!

"Agitated,no,no,no! He doesn't understand a word I say. throat fungus caused by a night of irresponsible fun. A night of watered down drinks. I remind the management of the watered down drinks.so needless and my situation becomes one of lowering standards." don't get it? Good!

I have over 50 self portraits from the Black Hole that goes with all this strange commentary.I also missed writing about 3 notebooks because I get ahead of myself. Gee,stuff to look forward to. I went through this phase of stuffing kid's pajamas and putting bizarre heads on them. Thank god that phase ended. And Van Gogh's painting of the Potato Eaters I replaced the heads with chain saws I cut out of a Sears Catalog. I think I still have that. and the Party in NYC which

is actually an essay with drawings.

Well,off to try to get something done. May I present Hazel.

Jan 19 7:18am

Problem with doing so much art is I end up having so much art! Looking for the missing photo I come across all kinds of neat stuff. Started a new model Hazel Haines. I'm waiting for the glue gun to heat. What a crazy weekend,probably normal for me. Friday was horrible. managed to throw lot's of paint around. Saturday better. Sunday I went to Phila.in the pouring rain to buy art supplies and yesterday got started on my website. A friend is doing it for me, thank god. Last night evening back in center city for wine and snacks. A perfect weekend starts in the black hole and ends with a few wines!

Hazel's head is on.

Found this collage "Nobody's Perfect" the head is a photo of that creepy guy with the snakes coming out of his head. Put it in the trash this morning. The creepy head not the collage.

Another PUD purge. He's gone but not forgotten.

Don't feel like going to work today.

Jan 17 7:22am

Been up since 4:30. I am looking for a photo. Yesterday I went to Highwire and worked all day on new sketchbooks for new paintings and wanted to finish Miss America. The model of the new painting I'm working on is there and I didn't realize how much detail is in in head so I might wait to work on it and go to the self portrait with Ellie. I started that painting but need to pick up some paint since the skirt is a certain green. While searching for the photo I never realized just how many little notebooks I have.And big notebooks and sketchbooks filled with random ideas.

Anyway,who cares. this picture I'm looking for I did a drawing of and I glued it on the cover.

Also found more Miss America picture. I make no sense. I have about 4 empty pages and found

or so more. I shouldn't have added those extra photos.

I have a moleskin Japanese album with this crazy stuff written.

" Rules for people who don't follow the rules. The following instructions must be carefully observed. The hard and the fast rule.What you must do. the norm The hard and the fast.The trashy dimension underconsideration of the fact. Consideration of the fact trivial and trashy to a meaningful dimension. Disturbed is the word from now on. Nightmare world of the disturbed."

I just write this stuff,don't be asking for an explanation. It goes on and on. I'll write more tomorrow.

The cover of the 2 new books.

Jan 15 2:06 pm

I'm off on Friday to do art and I have been doing art all day. At least trying to figure out my new paintings. If I had been writing in my notebooks I would have been writing all day since I can't figure this out. I wanted to start the self portrait with ellie and the cheerleader. I'm trying to paint like a painter. I work on it,photograph,back to work. I'm working on top of an old painting in case I screw up. Maybe it's okay to screw up since I didn't want to do this at all today. I was so excited Sunday,always excited when I'm left alone in my own world. I'm thinking about all the times when I screwed up. I wore a black dress to a dance and was told it was ugly,pierced my ears and was called a gypsy. Why is it some people are compelled to tell you what it is you are doing wrong. Like they are the masters of the universe. Done with painting today,I'm going to cut up some magazines.

This painting is about 4 x 6 ft and the small model is about 12" high .

Jan.12 7:01 am

Woke up at 4:30 thinking about Picasso's dog Lump.He didn't just paint the dog,he painted Lump as part of the painting. I have one photo of Raven,my black lab,running around in front of a painting when I was trying to take a picture. I have to find that photo. spontaneous. That's what I want for my dog paintings. got out a smaller notebook and will start with pencil. the sharpie always comes through the page.

I went back to the original "Evening Bag" painting which was at first a model. I painted a red dress on her so now she is the Evening Bag becomes the Lady in Red. Just wanted to push the paint a little further. The little models to big paintings,did it before so will try that again. I made one called "Self Portrait with Ellie" This is the next painting. I started a canvas of the first notebook. Attacked it like some kind of maniac and never went back to it so I'll use it for this.

Lay it out tonight.

Jan. 11 6:03 am

What a day I had yesterday sort of like having a date with myself. Wanted to see this exhibition at the Phila. Art Museum and yesterday was my last chance. I get all consumed in that little world I describe and not only dig a hole but fall in it. Like Alice fell in the hole after the rabbit. Sat I almost finished the notebook about "Evening Bag" she becomes Miss America she doesn't think she is beautiful and she's not but still she gets her crown. then started working on a new book about dogs. Failed,not because they didn't look like dogs but I knew I could do better. I want to explode my ideas. Explode my little dolls,my dog drawings. I can with the paint,I no how but fall back into the small world ,the hole. This is where yesterday came in. I got this book,Arshile Gorky,the early years. It is a drawing course for me. Plain and simple,pencil. that's it. all my notebooks are the same sharpie pen. Change is what I need. the next book is Genesis of Abstraction. I know I can do that and that is how I want to look at the dogs. Then I found 3 books about "DADA " and the revolt,my found sculpture has to get big!

All I have written is the process to recovering,well,recover and move on! I really want to test how much I can do ,howfar I can push the work. The portraits from the black hole need to be looked at,they are too tight. Need to blow them up,literally.

Here she is...."Miss America!"

Jan 9 7:25 am

Good grief it's the tower card again. I think that is speaking to me.I need more research on this card.

Anyway, I decided to take Friday off and devote the time to just doing art. Yesterday was the first.

Oh,forgot the dream stuff. I was going to write yesterday morning but concentrated on having a dream so much I had this terrible nightmare. Lots of knife throwing and stabbing. Freaked me out. I'll get that easel in today and try the drawing project. So I'll go back to the dream notebook and then to yesterday which is about the "Evening Bag".

I large branch falls to the ground in my front yard and a bird is lying upside down and dead.It is a blue jay and it only has one leg. The drawing I did for this painting is very complicated. I like the painting. In fact,I traced all the birds and made chalk figures on sticks. When I went through my cut up everything in sight I would glue images on sticks or stuff them. They usually ended up in they trash. A huge one of "The Matachines" from my grant I cut and stuffed.

I'll post the photos of the bird dream but then I have to go back , I forgot about an interesting event I go digging through old photos and, oh my, something unpleasant comes to mind.

I start this rambling and get distracted.

Francoise Gilot was an artist who lived with Picasso for many years and later married Jonas Salk. Where did go wrong. anyway she was having a show at a nearby college and PUD aka JSB

said he would take me. Oh boy, got all dressed up in these clickity clacky shoes. Had great fun,

except the next day I was or we were going to a restaurant in Philadelphia where 2 famous chefs were cooking brunch. He was green and sick from the night before from copious drinks so

I ate 2 brunches and several very expensive glasses of wine. don't know why I kept trying. No wonder knives fly through my dreams.

Jan.6 8:22am

What in the world do I do with my time. I'm up between 4 and 5 am. Of course these crazy dogs don't help. Back to the dreams,oh,and, of course the battery was dead in my camera.

I woke up this morning thinking of a dream but didn't have a dream. I guess when you try to hard it doesn't happen or I forgot like the battery. This one is about my grandmother,she is wearing a rust/red dress and we are having dinner in a baseball field. Several of the drawings from these dreams are abstracted so I'm not sure what goes together.

Jan 5 6:12 am

I've been thinking about all these dreams and still don't have my easel in the bedroom. I almost took it to the thrift shop but know I really want to try that idea. I try many more ideas in fact,have a basement full of ideas.Anyway, I have these 4 shows pending and the one in Sept is about all this stuff I write. when I look at these drawings I want to be careful to take care of them. I make no sense. this one is strange,Ha! There is a dear person in my life who thinks I'm strange,can't imagine that. We,for the sake of this dream,we will call PUD,JSB. He shows up all the time. Anyway JSB is driving and won't speak to me. We go to a hallway,there is a bathroom and someone is watching. they left a pear core in the toilet. I tried to research this dream and what's with the pear. found lot's of fruit but no pear. In the drawing there seems to be a mouse but I think it's a hood ornament. I used about 5 of these dreams for paintings. The one with the Guadalupe was about 3 x 6 feet. Never painted the pear core.

Jan 26:6:53 am

Again,the tarot card of the day is the Tower.

Strange it came up again. I didn't explain. It's represents ambition. Ambition which leads to conflict and strife. A tower is built high and into the air,a symbol of personal drive and ego. Goals lie in conflict with powerful surrounding forces and forces of nature.

Well I know I'm ambitious. I also know when something or someone gets in the way there is conflict. I have to think about this card.

I found another notebook that I wrote all my dreams in. I painted some of them. some are just drawings. I was thinking about this book last night. I have lots of nightmares. I started writing them down when I read somewhere that Margaret Mead put an easel in her daughters bedroom so when a nightmare woke her up she would draw what she saw. Hey just walked across the street and picked up a child's easel. You non -believers it must be a sign. think I'll try it.

Anyway,the dream diary I found,of course,has no date but since it's ongoing doesn't much matter. Oh my,here is what I wrote on the first page. I also made a drawing.

"Remember that they were eating the skin of a snake. The Guadalupe was surrounded by forks. Bright silver forks. I gave someone a watch with a second hand. The snake sken was passed to me and I felt sick.

I had a entire show of these paintings. A writer asked "Who would ever buy such paintings"

I remember telling him Ozzy Osbourne.