Get to see this one twice.It is an interior of old house. not sure want happened to it. I did several.It's not totally accurate the furniture is but layout is all wrong. anyway that's it .

I'm bothered and distracted by a message I got saying I am a hateful,cruel and manipulative person. Funny,I certainly don't think of myself in those terms. See,that's just like not wanting to do a leftover dinner. Selfish.So,I feel guilty and God forbid someone not think nice of me so do I give in and give up and into what don't believe and leave my zone. I believe?Cruel? Am I really cruel or just trying to raise my head and not drown in that swimming pool? Not sure. Never sure.Ever since I can remember I

was always so sure and then someone comes along and slowly my head gets all twisted,my world becomes small,I'm drowning in the pool and I ,Loose focus,Hey Focus! there is that old word again.

Reminds me of a jacket I wanted. It was white with blue and green stripes. I think I was in 4th of 5th grade.Mom didn't want me to get it but I loved it so much. It had a hood. I wore it once and everyone laughed at me. Never should have left the place I didn't grow up in.

Nov. 30 6:06am

I had nightmares last night of swimming in a huge pool. I looked up the meaning and it means I am forcing myself to deal with emotional difficulties. This was the last animal painting.

It lives in Vineland NJ I'm thinking of doing some animal paintings. Sat on the side of the rode yesterday watching 8 deer grazing in the woods. I think I'll do a series of dogs,deer and raccoons. I see raccoons in my dreams over and over. I'll check that out. That,meaning the raccoons could be I've been thinking about them since I saw some in a tree and remembered

Little Ricky Raccoon.

Nov. 29th 7:40

This is "Hunterdon Co Landscape" Big,really big. In 2 sections maybe 6 x 9 ft or more. I did this as part of the NJ State council on the Arts program artists in education. Can't believe I used to

roam all over the state. I would drive 150 miles a day to work in a studio set up in the school.

Pud would stalk me here. I would see him driving in the opposite direction. He made up all kinds of lies to the administration about me,do all kinds of crazy stuff. Anyway,worked here for a year before being sent to Salem,NJ. Oh,this is what I was working on when I lost the studio. Lost the rotary dial phone. It was 1983. I went to Salem in 1984. My studio is in the school but at home it is now in the barn.

I had 2 shows to get ready for. Camden Co Cultural and Heritage Comm and Rutgers University.I had a job a CCCand HC but had to quit, know why? Lies and stalking!

Anyway show at Rutgers was my last one for 10years. I got pneumonia from working in the freezing cold barn. Pud said I didn't seem to want to do art anymore.Ha! Is he kidding? I have

pneumonia, frozen hands and feet, no job oh,forgot,he got me thrown out of my gallery in Santa Fe. I was in a show in NYC and he started a big fight with the owner,then he crushed the hand of an instructor at the PAFA which didn't do me any good. But,there is a but! It was for my own good. I get it now,get it now?

Okay,so it's not the 26th,I was hoping it was the 26th,day after Christmas. It is the 28th.

This is "Friends on Frozen Landscape" Love horses.I used to ride all over New Mexico on a horse named Lightfoot. I will light up the plastic horses for Christmas homage to Lightfoot and the weathervane!

Nov.26th 6:45am

I'm trying to stay focused. Focus,my therapist always said I got lost because I can't stay focused.

I started the first painting, "Self Portrait After Being Sent to My Room". I just looked out the window and saw my weathervane. It's about 7ft tall with a copper horse. You can see it in lots of the drawings sort of pointing the way. It has a design on the top,not really an arrow. It is all I have from the old house. Going back I moved there when I was in art school and had fun digging through the antiques. I had a zillion raccoons living in the barn and a black cat named Rudy.

Anyway, everything is gone,oh,not really gone. Pud has it all,sort of a giant con on how he needed it blah ,blah, blah, He even has Rudy!

I have the weathervane.

I also have a bunch of those plastic horses from the thing kids ride. I'm going to decorate them for christmas. "Homage to the Weathervane"!

Nov. 27 7:50 am

The Tarot card of the day is the Knight of Cups. Quests.

Goals are far away and require a journey either physical or spiritual.

The Knight of Cups represents creativity and yearning. Fulfillment exists but may be far away.

A journey begins.

This is for all the skeptics who don't believe in anything spiritual. I decided days ago this day would be the day I start to gather all the information and plan new work and new ideas.A day for me. I met all responsibilities this week with family,friends,work.

I want to be alone without responsibility,selfish oh my yes since I'm not doing the leftover dinner? Explain why I don't answer the phone?

When I don't have a plan my world becomes small and I get caught up in pleasing. I want to please myself today. I want to start that journey. Get on the white dog and fly away.

This is "Lambscape" the Cigna Corp. purchased this painting and in was sent to their Dallas Texas office where it became the only painting stolen from the Cigna Corp.

"Prairie Dog" This is my favorite painting and one that did not get cut in fact still have this one. It is my sister's bedroom in Ho-Ho-Kus ,where I didn't grow up. and instead of Bullet the Wonder dog (the first wiener dog) I replace him with Raven.

I missed all these paintings and I missed my studio and I missed being me. I came home one day and my studio was gone. An aqua carpet covered the floor and my phone was gone .It was a black rotary dial phone with a big splat of paint on it. I was told people don't live that way. I was being bad again.

Anyway,I knew the house I flew to on white dog was right cause it had a tan rotary dial phone and a black rotary dial phone in the basement. They work good.

Nov.26 5:23am

It was 1999 when all this started to happen. So now it is kind of an anniversary. I had to give up my art for 10 years then it took me 10 years to get back on the track not that I'm totally there.

This is "Church at Golden" Golden New Mexico that is. I was in 2 galleries and sold lots of paintings. "Uncanny Nanny" is in the collection of the El Paso Museum of Art. Actually they own 2. the green one is "High Road Church" painted on the road between Santa Fe and Taos.

Started to change when I moved on to Denver.

Grandma's painted dishes recalls my grandmother's dining room in North Camden NJ.

sold to a collector of fiesta ware.

Nov.25 6:03 am

Wiener Dog wrecked 2 dolls I made of plastic bags and hair rollers. Every one's a critic. Anyway,had decided to ditch the idea and break apart old cameras for the doll bodies.

I had a dream last night I was looking out a window at a bird in a bush. It indicates spiritual freedom, psychological liberation. Sounds good.

Principal of the school I was working at asked me to do a project for Earth Day so I gathered a bunch of tomato cages and assorted junk and the kids made a bunch of figures.I brought them home and put them around my yard. The yard in my new house that is. Pud told me the people at the school wouldn't like me if I asked to be paid so I did it for free. Worked lots of places for free so people would like me. Worked for him for 10yrs for free so he would like me. He hated me.

Anyway, this school became the start of one train wreck after another. Remember how I wanted to or wrote about a breakdown deciding about a box of crayons? Well, driving to school one day I cracked up,then took a student in the teachers lounge and the principal freaked out. I went to the Dr and told him I thought I was having a breakdown he said"you are but that's okay" Okay? What does Okay mean. "Just breath in to a paper bag. And P.S. tell Pud you are not working for him anymore. Good God! the paper bag I can deal with but Pud was not happy.

I started to move all my stuff. Actually,didn't really have much stuff. Lots of books, art things.

Dogs. Somehow got everything organized. I made a giant puppet out of a fur coat.

I remember watching "Schindler's List" in my den. I was sitting on the floor surrounded by dogs and realized I haven't got anything but books and art and dogs!

I couldn't go back for anything. The doors were nailed shut and dead bolted.

More black. Now we are back on track.

Breakdown in bold print. I remember describing having a breakdown using a box of crayons with 64 colors and not liking the 64 color box. I like the 48 color box.

Lost page 2 This may be where my fascination with the black hole came from.

Nov.24 6:11am

Got thinking about this page yesterday. I forgot to scan it when I was doing the other images so since I don't have my book I had to search for a photo.

This image became "Concrete Cutout" a large painting maybe 4 x 6 ft. Actually won some award for it. Remember drawing it but as I look all those hands show up reaching like the house. I used this to make "Again I stood Alone"

Again I stood alone

Buried,overtaken,unaware

a True believer

the loveliest and the best

provide to someone we love the Universe

the Dawn of Time

the quarrel passing by

how I wrote this was I cut all the words out of the Rubiyat and reassembled them. I do this all the time but usually forget where the words come from. I have lunch boxes filled with words etc. Anyway, that's what should have been at the beginning.

Throw my art out not though my art,however,Picker used to say" However" all the time.

Through my art I managed to survive.

Well,enough about Pud for now, this is another one of my favorite people.MTM. Suddenly the sound of bullhorns!

There I am squashed again.Laying on top of my desk.Good grief, I was only 16years old,well not when I drew this but I guess the drawing the exploding clock made me think about the good old days so added it t0 the notebook.

My high school art teacher would yell, through a battery operated bullhorn,next to my head. She would then sneak around and through my art work in the trash.

No wonder I'm paranoid! I turned this image into a painting about 5"x 5" feet and still have it.

Nov.23 6:23am

More blowing up in a spiral crazy frenzy. The clock,the infamous grandfather clock. Mr P U Downs considered that clock to be worth millions at least thousands wanted so bad. It was a beautiful clock,in fact I drew it for a high school project. Grew to hate it which is why I blew it up. I did a painting of this image which I liked but then cut it up. Reminds me of my Waldo mask.

I went to a Halloween party dressed as Where's Waldo. The next morning Mr.P U D ,pud.Ha! Well,Pud as he will be called from now on cut it into itty, bitty pieces,so microscopic you couldn't make out what it was. Well,enough about Waldo or Where's Waldo?

I did show this painting at Highwire with lots of drawings stapled around it .Not sure why I cut it up.

I blew up the old house.

I was sure having a great time but then all the stuff starts to come back and back .Good choice of words since everything seems to be on by back as I or she or who or what tries to move on. the braids! I haven't had braids since 4th grade when I moved from Ho-Ho-Kus. I was told I didn't grow up there. Everyone enjoys telling me what I think what I've done whatever. Like "they" want to live in my head. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. To live in my head. although maybe if they lived in my head they would know what I think.

Anyway,if I want to grow up in Ho-Ho-Kus that's where I'm going to grow up.

See the little red purse? That's the purse some kid hit me in the head with in 4th grade. I cut of the braids.

I also have a wiener dog named Ellie.

She's calmer now. Ditched the fuzzy slippers for overalls and a giant paintbrush. I'm not sure what that thing is looking at me. oh well,

It's not forgey it's forgot.

Nov.22 6:19am

Polly,my 15yr blind pug,forgey to wake me up.

She usually starts barking around 3 sounding like the Aflack Duck!

I forgot about this drawing. My first studio in 10 years in my new house. I'm going berserk. Canvases everywhere,paint stuff. I'm ready. Oh,

forgot how I got here.

Well this certainly got screwed up.

I wanted "the Flight of the White Dog" What I got was an upside down drawing and a drawing with the color removed. this never happens with the sharpie pen.

I tried painting the white dog painting actually tried painting period. I was so excited.

This is what I would dream about. Riding my doggie Katie. I would fly away. anywhere. Katie never lived in that creepy house.In fact, she wouldn't even go in. I would find her sitting in my truck waiting.

I just love this. I'm starting to wake up. the title is

" the exploding car after a fun impact"

I was riding down a highway about 100 mph when Mr P U Downs put hist fist through the wind shield. "Aren't you glad that wasn't your face!" Glad? You bet I'm glad! That would certainly have ended my spritzer career. Looks like my eyeball went flying.

I screwed that all up. I wanted the fuzzy slipper drawing after the screaming guy next to the little chair. I guess I'm tired. 4:20am I having Thanksgiving dinner in a few days and instead of cleaning off my dining room table I add more junk. I've got this big basement for a studio and yet bring everything up stairs to the dining room table. A co-worker yesterday was making fun of me because I used to be a "spritzer girl".I had a little wicker tray and would wander around a dept.

store. It has nothing to do with anything. That has nothing to do with the little chair or dining room table.

I finally changed my clothes. I'm wearing a party dress! Hands outstretched ready for a short recital. the little handles on the side of the bench will crank up the seat.

"What is all that racket!" "Don't you see I'm on the phone!"

Never played again.

She's sitting in that little chair with that big screaming thing next to her dreaming of those wings.Grrrr.

I think she is dis cruntled. how do you spell that.is it even a word? Now for the other picture

Nov 21 3:59am

Never found my wire cutters so I stuck a corn holder in the rollers and glued a paper head on my doll. Now searching for more corn holders.

Here come those fuzzy slippers again and her little pink clips in the hair.

Nov.20 5:18am

Worked on a new doll yesterday. 4 hair rollers taped together and a lovely dress made from the blue plastic NYT bag. I wanted to attach the body of a cootie but can't find my wire cutters.

So here I am.

Missed this drawing should have been in the no.4

Yikes! what did that poor little dummy do? she has on overalls and a cap. Maybe that's it. the sun's out,maybe she was fooling around in the tulip patch or maybe in the "Fucking Herb Garden" who knows but she won't be doing that again because.......she'll end up in the dog crate! Actually,the crate's not so bad. there she is holding the door shut!

I want to Burn down the barn

I'm tired of the stinky damp gamey smell of wet fur

I want to crawl up the splintery,rotted steps

to the dung heap on the plank floor

Rub two sticks together

and watch the glow.

Now I can see the Moon.

This painting is big. Maybe 5x5 feet. It is being held hostage by the enemy.

Nov.19th 6am.

Tarot card of the day is "The Hanged Man" which means punishment.A suffering is due. An involuntary sacrifice. A penalty which may be warranted due to misdeeds or unwarranted to

to uniqueness and difference.

Wow,so true. someone told me yesterday I wasn't a nice person. Am I not nice because why,

I don't think like them? Or maybe they want me to think different. They are smarter then me.

the whole world is smarter then me.

"The barn burned down,now I can see the moon" that is the title of this page. I've been working on this drawing which also became a painting. And a poem.

Hoping to fly away she sprouts wings!

nov. 18 5:50 am. Been up for 2hrs fooling around with this blog stuff. No different than the old paper books and sharpie pen since no one can find me. That's good. figured out how I will use this stuff then I will figure out the rest. show in Sept at Highwire. Notebooks,all of them. This will be finished as well as the paintings from all this horror and then I will just move to the next. I think that is the "Mango Papers" the one I spilled juice all over.

this image intrigues me as I look back. It's the stairway person again dragging or being dragged,,,not sure. Could be Raven, it is Raven cause I want it to be Raven. My show in August will be "Dog Days" all my doggies. A happy show for HFA. this stuff is dark and we all know I like dark,but like to think dark not live dark.

There she is all squashed with the pugs hiding under the chair.

There is the stair case again. I haven't looked at these drawings in years. I've ben going through old stuff and actually selling things so why not? She really looks unhappy.

That's not a toy in her hand,that's my Raven dog. My little doggie who got wrecked like me. I tried to save her but maybe I did. I had to take Raven to the vet and end it, bullets in her heads and cut out tongues threats I couldn't take. I hope she understood. Wanted to put myself down. I like this drawing.

Forgot,the actual book is at my attorney's office which is good because I can't reference it. I looking at everything fresh with new thoughts.

I can't worry about the spelling if I want this to be like my real notebooks,so,understand.

This one is a favorite!

It's me of course me she whatever being pulled down,it's always down. down the stairs trying so hard just to go to bed in my fuzzy robe but the words the screaming pulls me back.

I'm always on the stairs guess in my mind I was trying to escape.

This is the" Dungeon of Self Doubt" boy did I stay there too long. Actually was put there by Mr.P Y Downs. But regardless there I am. I used the idea of the root cellar at Potter St. something about that house I loved but knew I had to get out.It had a creepy kinda of hold. It was like like old person I got stuck with that smelled like vitamin bottles and wet wool. Guilt makes you stay. Well stay I did. Done in the root cellar. I decided to be like Margaret Mead once and dug a big hole under the dining room. Made a big mess,no artifacts taken.

This is Mr. Put U. Down. He is wearing a gas mask to hide his true identity. We know and he know but he think no one know!

Smoke all over the place and standing on a welcome mat.

I painted him large several years ago but want to go back with a new approach. I want it to be more humorous. Certainly nothing funny about what happened but this way more people will get it.

Nov 17th 4:58am

Just read my ramblings,wish I could spell. Was thinking about this all day yesterday. I want to include a few things more but also want to stay on track. The small drawings will eventually become large paintings so like all of my work I like the process. I also have been collecting broken dolls and cameras to include some smashed up 3-D pieces.

Something quick. I don't check spelling in the actual notebooks. Hung them all over a gallery once

all misspelled and messy. I want this to be like the old ones.

Okay,can't figure this out so rather than bee late for work I'll stop for now. Can you see the knife?

I was usually stuck in the kitchen counter or in a piece of fruit. Actually it was stuck in a rutabage with a note attached "Next time it's your head." Gee that isn't good. New picture. Like this?

Scream Scream Scream. there I am down there. The black pen is Raven. More about her later. My wonderful black lab and how she got wrecked too!

Just ate 2 bowls of Cheerios,doggies all asleep. Get ready for work.

Wow just check it out. I get one more drawing.

Nov,16th 6:20am

Years of writing with a sharpie pen in all kinds of books. Sketches,misspelled words,rambings at 3am,now,for all to see. I think I will start by posting the drawings from the firsts visual book.

The one where I describe my nervous breakdown. This is the first drawing,can't find the one describing the nervous breakdown,it will come later (boy this sure beats the sharpie pen) some background and something I've always wanted to tell is how I lived for 10 years in a hole,like a big black hole,

being treated like a piece of dirt and I looking very much like this I silently,without waking anyone up got out. I've been talking to myself for years.Here she is the star of the show.

Self portrait after being sent to my room. I loved my room.

I had a night stand with a nice bottle of wine some pretzels,crayons and this notebook. I normally wrote in the kitchen but after being sent to my room night after night I stashed some supplies. The death threats would fly up the steps in smokey clouds. "When I get back your're next!" Time to open the wine!