Thursday, December 31, 2009

Dec. 31 8:26 am
It's New's Year's Eve. The Tarot card of the day is the Tower. Strange that I saved writing about my Tower and I picked the Tower card. It isn't the best card so I'll save the explanation for tonight. For now, the story of my tower.
When I moved to my house with no furniture I did have hundreds of old National Geographic magazines. In fact,it took 2 wagon loads to get them from my neighbors trash. I would sit with them in a corner of the back of the house and cut them up. I never went in the yard at that time. so,day after day, I would cut all kinds of interesting pictures out and save them in plastic boxes.
I found one about the 1964 World's Fair and this photo of a tower of population intrigued me.
Okay, since it was 1999 and the year 2000 was a big deal I will recreate this tower. I decided to assemble the structure at my old house. The base was a large 4 x 4 ft piece of plywood. and the tower made of chicken wire that I wrapped around several times. God the thing was huge! And,
rather heavy,in fact heavy and top heavy. No problem, I will cover it with the people of the world and all will be fine. Okay,now where do you find hundreds of people of the world dolls?I
searched flea markets, thrift shops everywhere I could think of and began to wore them on as I collected them. My idea was to display this in a gallery but the thing got so heavy the more people the weight grew until I simply could not move the thing. Who cares! I was determined to finish. As time grew closer I became desperate so add a few trolls dressed in foreign costumes. From the picture, the light at the top seemed to be a big globe of some sort so instead I place a lampshade with 2000 written on all sides. For the lighting ceremony I wore an outfit with the Eiffel Tower,seemed appropriate. My mom took our picture. Ah,one of those great moments of history.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Dec.30 6:35am
Tarot card of the day is the Seven of Wands
Today is about valor, bravery,courage and strength. There may be a confrontation that requires
you to defend yourself,protect something or meet a challenge and you will face it boldly. you have the acquired self assertion and you believe in yourself enough to stand your ground with daring
and courage. Today you will feel the fear but do it anyway.
I can't figure if because I'm an artist or maybe I wanted to be an artist or try to be artist that people (who ever these people are) think I am something of that freak of nature I drew. Is one a freak because you have opinions that differ,drive a little truck and think it's okay, like wearing clothes from the lost and found, want to make stuff more than talk on a phone and simply want to be in control of your own life? This has been my struggle for my whole life. this is who I am and most people I've met along the way have thought," No, that's not who you are,you will be who I want you to be." then comes the struggle. I left my old house over 10 years ago and decided to put the trust in me,I'll figure it out just me and my doggies. Whenever I stray I get lost,trying to please and fall into the hole.I have to have the courage to stay out of the hole
not fall in or get pushed in. stand my ground.
I will put my paper hat on my concussion and dance...e e cummings.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Dec. 29 7:16 am
Okay,how do I get all this confusing mess figured out. The evening bag,the carnival scene etc before the Tower. The evening bag was part of my show "Painfully New Work". I'll find all the photos later. We want to see the freaks for the Carnival Scene. This of course has a great PUD story. We were in his favorite bar. He was drinking,smoking and talking and I was paying no attention. He always sat with his back to me so I was probably daydreaming. I hear "She can do it,she's a weirdo and nuts enough." Do What? Weird enough for what? They want you do do sets for a play. That was the end of his involvement. There was no money involved and like he always said "You want them to like you,right?" Oh yea right. First I have to see the Elephant Man movie.
Grief it's scary,frightening! Ah ,I'll do it. I decide to research,collect and through myself in the world of freaks. I decide I am a freak, a freak of nature. I did every one as a line drawing and thought I could draw them ala Matisse with a long stick a charcoal attached to the end. Well,as Roswell Weidner an instructor at the Academy said of me once as I drug a huge canvas around
"You are no Matisse" He was right. I end up taking these huge canvas drops to the basement and laying them on the floor and bending over to paint them . This is impossible. It IS the work for a freak. They take forever to dry and weigh a ton. I get in to the life of Chang and Eng and read several books about them. The bearded lady becomes my favorite. Anyway,I finish and drop them off. Then I need to make a gift for the director, a poster of the play,framed. Are they kidding me? Still no talk of money. Just this fame and fortune that will come with this production. Well,they hang them up but don't put all in the play. The rest are in a room for the cast party. They present the costly poster to the director and never mention my name!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Dec.28 10.49 am
Holiday got in the way so now I am trying to figure out where I am. I want to write about my tribute tower but will wait until New Year's Eve. I also get very confused about the time frame so I'm all over the place. want to get to year 1999/2000,for the sake of the tower.
I had to search for the "Carnival Scene." I did the sets for Elephant Man and plunged myself into the life of freaks and side show oddities. I created drops for the play about 10 ft long. Lost most in the flood and can't find the drawings. An artist friend saw the play and said he only knew one crazy person who would do such a thing and yes ME!
I made a pop up book for the basic design. These 2 characters are the barkers.
So,since I can't find the drawings and the originals are gone I'll move on.
I want to write about my favorite book "From the Insane Asylum" by Joseph Kaufer copyright
1966. Gee the year I graduated from High School. Must be a sign.
The Painter
When he was brought in
for a rather mild psychosis
Of which sadness was the principal ingredient
They permitted him to bring in with him his
brushes and colors-
Indeed,encouraged him
to set up his easel on the lawn
Before the lovely landscape
And to paint the fields,clouds ,rivers
the glorious scene
He could not. He had lost the vision within.

Friday, December 25, 2009

Here's the rest,enter Okie my first pug. Then comes Madeline. all are gone except Polly. Guess I should update. I'll take my head out of the oven and make a card with Katie,Lucille,Polly and Ellie!

I'm not sure if this is the first one with Raven but is one of my favorite cards.

Here is the second, the animals are the first to greet.

Dec. 25 6:42 am
Found this quote by Sylvia Plath. "And by the way,everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it,and the imagination to improvise. The worst enemy to creativity is self doubt." When I first put out my notebooks people ,they,whoever they are were rather shocked by my putting it out there .oh well.
I used to always make Christmas cards. They were always about my animals,raccoons,doggies.
I started a series about Raven my black lab. They used to be fun and everyone was hand colored.
Oh god,when PUD got a hold of this I would have to make hundreds and send them to everyone even people I didn't know.Took all the fun out of it but isn't that what he always did. A friend asked me about him and my feelings for him. they are cardboard,the feelings he is like a cardboard box. Any way, the cards.Very simple in 1985. I look at this and like the Wise Man with the Bithday Cake on his head.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Dec.24 5:54am
Christmas Eve 2009.
This is called "Everything is for Gauguin." The title comes from the movie about Vincent
Van Gogh. All he did was try to please and be happy,just paint and be happy. When he lived with Paul Gauguin he tried to please him which was impossible. Paul was a tyrant.
I guess what I wanted to convey was Santa with all the gifts with everything to give can't make some people happy.
I wish I still had this painting it was about 6 x 5 ft. I cut it up,then made it 3d. I like the animals.
Tomorrow morning I am going visit friends for breakfast,I have never been invited anywhere for Christmas. This is a good change,last Friday we went to the ballet in the city.
Maybe it's time to stop giving everything to someone else and give something to me.
My christmas gift to me will be the gift of time. I think it's time for me.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Dec. 21 6:03 am
I've missed a few days. I found yet another written diary.
Dec. 17th 1998 I wrote" I am so sad,no Christmas decorations. I went to look at them last night and just don't care. PUD told me he thinks some day he may be nice to be. Ha! "I was really messed up. but wait,what about the Evening Bag. Anyway that phase ended and I started gluing the images on plywood. I did this evil looking thing with snakes coming out of it's head and knives out of it's mouth. It hung from the ceiling on a chain and would go up and down on bungey cords.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Dec.18th 6:03 am
Wish I hadn't lost yesterday,oh well.
Back to my challenge. I had no idea where to start or what to paint. PUD suggested covered bridges, thanks. A friend thought figures thinking I had a traditional background from the Academy. The idea made sense but going into a studio with a model didn't so, I decided to make my own models. This is how we get to the evening bag. I started taking apart radios,TV sets,cameras etc. I would break the heads off dolls spray the bodies. gathered piles of this stuff.
I needed a studio and wanted to go back to the room I always worked in, the one PUD had carpeted for me. I scraped the wallpaper off and tore up the rug. Was I in big trouble! People don't live this way,he screamed. I didn't care. The spots of paint were still on the floor that had been covered up so many years ago. But, I still couldn't start. I started the models and figured painting was like riding a bike, and when I was ready I would paint.
This was one of the first. The body and head are made of an old wooden radio,crutches for legs,a pair of child's ski poles and various bits and pieces for the head. And there is my first figure painting "Tobor" He is still around but off the stretchers.
The other guy is the fisherman. His legs are mortar tubes, head is an upside down beverage cooler. He had a bad life. I couldn't figure how to paint him since he was tall and skinny. So I put 2 canvases side by side. now I'm in the attic. No heat again and freezing. I don't have any time. I finish the painting and it was about 10 feet long. It will be shown at a book shop in Phila Yea! I'm going to make it make it back. Forgot about PUD. He ain't happy and when Pud ain't happy ain't nobody happy. Remember how he invited people over the day of my staged comeback? Well, the day of delivery,he plans to go to a party which not only is the opposite direction of Phila but about 25 miles. Now I'm a wreck and breathing in my paper bag. He insults me at the party about what I do and I start feeling like dirt. We get to Phila and he is awful,mean nasty so tells me he is going outside to talk to some homeless people he finds more interesting. He then wants to go to a bar to finish me off.
Spent the night crying in the kitchen

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Dec.17th 7:26 am
Wiener dog Ellie went under my desk and messed up all my connections so I lost this morning.
I'll write tonight. Off to work.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Dec.16th 7:51 am
I'll be back to another notebook soon but need to remember a few things. this is before quadalupe,when I joined Highwire Gallery in Phila aka, when the mud hit the fan. Out of the blue a friend calls and tells me about this great gallery in Phila. she is a member and wants me to join.She must be kidding! I have no studio,no work,a bunch of junky collage pieces not to mention PUD. I'll give it a shot,nothing to loose. Well,had a lot to loose but wasn't thinking long term. Drug over and up the stairs a 5 x 5 foot painting God knows how old it was and somehow get in!
I'm happy,Pud is not! Tell my sister but decide to surprise my mom. Nobody good believe I had given up my art to live in such horror, we are all excited. July 4th is the opening my sister comes down and what does Mr. PUD do? He invites a bunch of old people over for the afternoon for me to entertain. I'm a wreck,but we finally ditch them and are off to Phila. I had made this ridiculous diorama with a mummy. Who cares I love this place. Mr. Pud doesn't come in. He never takes off his dark glasses and sits in the car waiting. We went to Chinatown to celebrate and my sister raises a glass to toast,Mr. Pud doesn't even touch his glass. In fact, he goes to the car to wait.
This was an important time. I was turning 50 years old and I knew if I didn't get back to my art soon it would be gone forever. I knew what I would be facing. What I didn't know was just how bad it would get or how mean he could be.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Dec.15th 6:36am
I'll explain the Evening Bag phase. For this I have to go way back to the days of Mr. Put U down.
Can't figure where to start so as Lewis Carroll said" Start at the beginning and stop when you get to the end." I did no art for 1o years, nothing. I worked for him at the funeral home. Dragging dead people around. When we got married he promised I'd be driving a Cadillac! Ha! He didn't add the part one passenger would be laying down. God, my personal car was a flower car so I could jump into action at a moments notice. He would bring me flowers with the ribbons on"Dear Mother" "Beloved Uncle" I remember identifying someone by there argyle socks and then there was Grace from Tom's River. I took my hearse everywhere. Drove the limo too. and then the time he threw me in the freezer,and the lady with the little head who weighed 300lbs.
Back to the evening bag story. I had to start somewhere so I set up a drawing table and gathered supplies. My therapist suggested I paint my marriage so I made merry-go-rounds and roller coasters. This was before the notebook cause this is where he really got pissed! I use lots of kids supplies that's about all I had I got was in a small show and was so embarrassed after all the galleries,awards etc. somehow kept going.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Dec.14th 6:39 am
All my notes from the NYC show are scattered. I ripped them out of the notebook to hang on the
wall at Highwire somewhere in between I set them on fire. The reason I set them on fire was Madeline the pug chewed on them so I thought rather then hang chewed up notes I'd burn them.
they're a mess.
I've been working on my DaDa dolls this morning. Instead of being my usual scattered self I will try to take one show at a time. The one in June will be all trash art. I took an old camera apart and I stuffed the bellows,that will be a dress and the body of the camera a dog. I finished 2 yesterday. I'm working on a sketchbook to go with the dolls. It's different from the notebooks and different from a sketchbook. this is the cover. The original painting was big as usual and called "Evening Bag" She was a painting from a doll I made ages ago. I think it fell apart.I glued a different arm on when I put her in the sketchbook.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Dec. 13 9:12 am
Just read all my notes after the NYC show. I was lost. Tried to reconcile because the world had changed but as usual,what about me. I spend enough time in the dark hole,but now I was sent there,and by this "Lady" I worshiped. Felt abandoned. Decided it was a test. Just like I justified the Halloween poster contest. When I was in high school I would work so hard on these stupid posters and always lost. I would lock myself in my room for days writing suicide notes.
Anyway, I'm in the notebook on Friday June 28th 2002. Some how I managed to live. I wrote that I realize I get depressed,gee,that sure is a revelation. I have a show coming up in Nov. and I am starting to feel the pressure. I painted my life with Pud and not one person got it, I painted the Guadalupe and NYC got destroyed, I made puppets and "they" said why aren't you painting. I felt so guilty after 9/11 because I wanted it so much. The people that died were all so successful. Money,family, etc and I wanted one crummy day. I felt like I was stuck in mud with the devil.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Dec.12 5:39 pm
The Mango Papers ended with my show so I started a new notebook. It's September and I'm starting to work on my set designs for " Elephant Man ". I am going to do the carnival scene. I presented the preliminary drawings to the theater group and they loved them.
I finished all the work for NYC and everything is loaded and ready to go.I did a new painting of a skull of some kind of animal I found in the desert covered it with those little birds I have lots of netting kinda stuff. My sister and some of her friends are meeting me with ladders etc to help with the installation. I took 2 pieces of lattice and hung broken dolls that I spray painted to look like angels. I am ready. Here is what I wrote on Sept. 10 2001. " I think I'll wrap the angels in plastic. Make it kind of raw. Unfinished looking, just lean in the windows. I'll figure the netting and lights tomorrow, it's going to rain today. I went to a gallery on South St and bought a special jacket with Our Lady of Guadalupe on it. It was expensive but I I wanted it to wear for my show.
I wrote " The jacket was there for me I know it! I'll be ready and go for it!"
On Sept 20 2001 I wrote. "I never got to wear the coat. The world came tumbling down. I 'm going through all kinds of stages of course it wasn't meant to be. I'm floundering"

Friday, December 11, 2009

Dec.11 5:48 am
I am sitting with wiener Ellie on my lap other dogs sleeping to jazz on the radio.
I had a psychic reading last night. the reason I have such dark thoughts is that my mother died in the black plaque! in my former life of course. I have a need to paint representational images.
Oh dear, well that could be what I am thinking about for the dog days show in July. Certainly not the trash. I have to get more info from this person.
As far as the show in NYC,turned out it was in Harlem which was or is a great spot for a gallery.
It was around May I went up to show some stuff and make the plan. Owner said she like my work because it was spiritual. I will install my bleeding crucifix in the street in front of the gallery and use the windows. should have consulted the medium back then. I went back to Rutgers U for the summer and worked on getting ready for my show. I got a vending machine and filled it with those little birds that when you put water in them they whistle.
This is my invitation. I made it on a copy machine with one of the little bird whistles.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dec. 10 6:42 am
I'm reading the last page of the Mango Papers. It is April 6 2001 at 6:04 am. I made 3 trips to Phila to install my altar. It is made out of an old wooden play pen. I have a kneeler. I found huge branches which I made a cross and put the stuffed puppet head with red rope all over and down the stairs. I lights up. 3 paintings including the ugly mexican puppets,the devil and some huge thing with a pink stuffed poodle. Of course,the bride with the dripping bloody eyes. There are no prices. It is an experience Get it? I even have music. It's french gypsy music you idiots! I take lots of crap about the prices,about the theme everyone has an opinion.
The opening is mobbed,gets dark loud music lights blood. Just what I want. A woman starts to ask lots of questions about the play pen altar and then asks if I can install it at her gallery. In the window,for a weekend,as part of something she is planning,and also plan a show,for a later date at her gallery,in New York City! I did it! NYC ! I'm ready! I have the whole summer off to work.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Actually it wasn't cut up but lost in the flood. This is a small watercolor of the the green house.
It did lot's of these abandoned houses and gas stations in New Mexico. They are all scattered around. some I sold through a gallery in Rhode Island. I got around Pre-Pud!

Dec.9th 6:36 am
Dogs all asleep, pouring rain so I can think. Tarot of the day is 7 of Swords.
A Lack of Purpose (well this is the story of my life) A confusion of options causes goals to become confused. To go in circles,waste time. A need for assistance goes unanswered.
Well,how true. I've got so much spinning in my head. this is where all the notebooks came in handy cause I need to focus. Like when I'm at work,going out on the playground is such an incredible waste of time. Anyway, I'll try to be my own assistance. I got the contract for my first show for 2010 which is in June. I should concentrate on that instead of thinking about the one in Sept. Got out my fountain pen. That's important. does anyone care if the stuff in the garage should go up to the loft? It's been there since August. And, there is always the dining room table.
Enough of that. I'm assisted!
Back to the Mango Papers. this is the altar I planned. I can't remember it being so detailed. I noted one of the measurements was the size of a coffin. Creepy!. Scarlet is God's Martyr's and gold = mystery. a lily =Mary. Art is worship through sight. I start to plan the center which turns out to be an old painting from art school I cut and stuff and literally crucify. I working in a Catholic school in Camden so certainly influenced.I decide this thing needs to light up and have blood dripping. Why not? I am bothered because I know the ending to this and anyone reading doesn't. As I read over it almost has a sad and pathetic prediction. One can't I know I can't imagine the end. Sure through me back in the hole.Anyway, on Feb.19 2001 at 3:30 am I have an attack of brilliance. I remember a painting I did of a nuclear power plant and decide the red in that huge painting is perfect. Unfortunately, on Feb 20 2001 I realize I cut it up long ago. When I moved. I was just to big. I decide to cut up Green House . I don't.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

don't you just love the guy with the gun? How poetic.
Well,back to Camden. When I started I loved it. I was on the 2nd floor,room was a disaster but overlooked the school yard. Had a great time. I painted the door blue and woodwork yellow like Vincent's bedroom. I'm reading Mango Papers as I write this and would like to put the whole thing in this writing I'll try yo figure that out. so many cool drawings and of course tons of my blood dripping pain ridden comments. Here is a page. "I went to the dining room where I am working on the watercolor boxes.It is so quiet. 5:30am sat morning.I am reading Quadalupe
Mother of the New Creation.I am looking at the large self portrait from 2 years ago and thinking what is she trying to tell me what is she trying to say. the center with the hands stretching out.
Then ,I'm back to today,then I write some insane thing about cosmic triumphs over historic.
Here is the painting I was talking about in the 2001 notebook which is from 1999 notebook.

Dec.8 6:04 am
I decided to cut the sad face puppets out so here she is. Maybe i'll just print them out for my bin at the gallery. Oh speaking of moderation ,my bin is well stocked and unfortunately people are not looking for my particular brand of insanity.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Dec. 7 9:02 am
Late because my battery was dead in my camera and I wanted to tale a picture of the ugly painting with the mexican puppets. Tarot of the day is Temperance. Moderation,balance. That's really great since I do nothing in moderation.Okay this is the dreadful painting I hate. I took it off the stretchers and then glued clothing on the puppets.
Maybe I'll cut the little people out. I like the one with the sad face. That green and red thing at the bottom was a scarf like thing that I bought in Camden. Pud took it and draped it in his car. That wasn't funny. I should mention how I ended up in Camden,NJ. I was taking a course at Rutgers University and met a teacher who was at a school that was looking for an art teacher. This is perfect. I will take my misery to Camden. Anyway at Rutgers I made this Guadalupe from painted paper. I put her image on everything. I knew she had guided me to Camden where I met many Mexican people. My birthday is her feast day. Perfect, now my life is on course. By the way the DaDa dolls I'm making,I made 2 more yesterday and this morning I started Homage to Bernadette Ha so much for moderation.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Dec. 6th 5:22pm
I was up this morning at 4am but all involved with thinking about all the shows I have coming up.
The first is in June and will be at the same place and same time as the big earth fair. I teach Art from Trash and will get to show my Art from Trash. The next is in July at HFA gallery so I'm doing dog days of summer. Highwire gallery in Phila will be Notebooks, paintings from the blog
and Oct back to the Palmy Cove and nature. I will probably go up and down but knowing I have so much work to do is good,I'll crash for sure but have my buddy to prop me up.We'll pass on the Tarot Card of the day,too spooky. I'm having a card reading Thursday.
Back to the Mango Papers. I had the same excitement about this altar I was building as I do about all these shows. Mango came to a dreadful end.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Dec.5 7:52 am
Tarot of the Day is Page of Pentacles.
something that shows a great sense of promise. An overwhelming sense of possibilities and potential success. A diamond in the rough.A performance that gets better with time. Flexibility of thought.
Okay, what does all this mean,I have to concentrate. no more time for goofing off. I just got the 4th show for 2010. I know I can do it but have to wade through so much. It's time to realize I managed to get back to where I wanted to be and ditch the crap that held me back. It was interesting to watch people look at my little trashy people last night,most don't get it,those that do really do. Kids always get it.
Back to the Mango Papers. I'm always trying to get organized always trying to focus.
Wanted to try to include an actual page,I'll try that again later. Funny how I write there is no more panic,you can see those words. I panicked last night,I always panic. that's why I'm nuts!
Thinking I'll never panic? That was Sept 22 at 4:45 am 2000. When I wa never going to panic again that is.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Dec.4 6:56
Went to upload a photo and forgot one of my favorites from the New Mexico years. this isn't a good copy but the only one I could find. this one is big too,really big.
It now lives in a hotel in Aspen,wished I lived in a hotel in Aspen.I think this got sold from a gallery in Denver.
Remember Pud? After he got me thrown out of my Santa Fe gallery I got into one in Denver.
Back to Guadalupe and the year 2000.
The Tarot card of the Day is the Wheel of Fortune
Chance. (Taro of today,not 2000) I write like a nut .
A turn of events. Fate spins off in new directions and fate takes the stage.Chance presents new opportunities for those who seize the day.
Okay,I'm ready to seize. It seems odd I go back to Guadalupe and fate sneaks in to seize the day.
More drawings from the shrines which were all over my house. I would change over and over and draw as a Still Life. Check out the devil. Guess we know who that is.
Anyway, I created paintings from these images which I thought were the worst I ever did. The drawings fill the notebook and as I look at them I don't understand why the paintings were so
crummy. Anyway,I bought most of this junk at the thrift shop,except for the devil,he came from Juarez Mexico. My place was littered with this crap!I won a Best in Show for the mexican puppets. It was when I was trying to get my work back to my standard. Could have cared less but pushed on.
Just found a loose page with no date.I'm cracking up again,not now but here is what I wrote:
"Its not about pain,not the cutting bleeding kind but the universal pain. the kind that just won't go away.The kind that is so far inside that you just can't explain. Joy is not universal,it's something you have to discover for yourself. I discovered someone else who also understood the pain. It's not important to believe or even understand..
I had know idea how bad this was going to get!
that's it.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

One of my new girls.

Dec.3 7:15 am
I've been up since 4am working on the latest project. The DaDa's. I use to make these all the time. This was one of my first. I guess early 90's she actually sold. Anyway, was struggling getting back to painting so I decided to make my on models. The black one on top was fragile and eventually fell apart. I guess there was something about the tearing apart that was exciting.
I made them on my kitchen table. Now I'm working on the dining room table. What a mess. Oh well. Didn't read the Mango Papers yesterday but will carry around. This was also the start of my very short puppet making career. I used wine bottle openers and made a circus. Also an altar with a crucified puppet head. More on that when the papers are read. DaDA on top,things getting creepy as my head starts heading to the Black Hole.
The drawing doesn't have much to do with anything except to show how screwy I'm getting or was getting then. I built still life everywhere and didn't have a computer or camera so I drew everything. There is Hello Kitty peeking around the corner and that nasty looking guy is a doll from the Pineapple Shop. Of course the Guadalupe and the furniture I now have is a bunch of junk I picked up on the curb. It was a dining room cabinet,pretty ugly so I felt deserving of it.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Dec.2 7:06 am
Tarot card of the day is 7 of swords.
Lack of purpose. A confusion of options causes goals to become confused. to go in circles,waste time.A need for assistance or guidance goes unanswered.
This sure is true, I have all kinds of stuff planned in my head but can't get organized. I managed to pick up 4 paintings I left at a show,totally forgot them. I have 3 big shows coming up. Know what I want to do but can't seem to get it together.I worked on a DaDa doll in school. It's reallly cool. His name,for now is 1981. Okay,here is the goal Tarot of 7 of swords. Tonight I get home from work at 6pm finish 3 of these guys for the December exhibit. Challenge to my BFF to keep me on the track. I'll read the Mango Papers at work for tomorrows notes.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Dec.1 6:29am
It's late but I was getting out the next notebook. I was going to write about the tower I made but I'll save it for New Year's Eve. this notebook actually has a title. "The Mango Papers" it's called the" Mango Papers because I had a show and put a table and chairs in the gallery. I copied every page of the notebook and thought people could sit and read well they did but I spilled mango juice all over it and it is still a sticky mess. Anyway,I was in Shoprite the nervous breakdown was well on it's away and had taken it's hold on me,I had no job I had managed to get furniture but I went into Goodwill mode. It was really scary not to mention that creepy smell everything from Goodwill has. Curtains,blankets and clothes,junk everything used and ugly and blue and green.
A friend came to see my work and her comment was," I saw a piano and that was the last sane moment until I saw the washing machine" It was a mess. Plus I was making all kinds of bleeding dolls and altars with Mrs. Butterworth .Anyway, I was in Shoprite and looked down to the last shelf and saw a candle with the Virgin Mary. On the back was some writing which said if you burn this candle and prayer to The Virgin Of Guadalupe she will help you. I had nothing to loose so bought the candle and started my lifelong devotion to the Guadalupe. I found her everywhere and when I did I brought her home and waited. I decided already it was working so my house became a shrine and decided to devote an entire show to her. What a mistake.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Get to see this one twice.It is an interior of old house. not sure want happened to it. I did several.It's not totally accurate the furniture is but layout is all wrong. anyway that's it .
I'm bothered and distracted by a message I got saying I am a hateful,cruel and manipulative person. Funny,I certainly don't think of myself in those terms. See,that's just like not wanting to do a leftover dinner. Selfish.So,I feel guilty and God forbid someone not think nice of me so do I give in and give up and into what don't believe and leave my zone. I believe?Cruel? Am I really cruel or just trying to raise my head and not drown in that swimming pool? Not sure. Never sure.Ever since I can remember I
was always so sure and then someone comes along and slowly my head gets all twisted,my world becomes small,I'm drowning in the pool and I ,Loose focus,Hey Focus! there is that old word again.
Reminds me of a jacket I wanted. It was white with blue and green stripes. I think I was in 4th of 5th grade.Mom didn't want me to get it but I loved it so much. It had a hood. I wore it once and everyone laughed at me. Never should have left the place I didn't grow up in.

Nov. 30 6:06am
I had nightmares last night of swimming in a huge pool. I looked up the meaning and it means I am forcing myself to deal with emotional difficulties. This was the last animal painting.
It lives in Vineland NJ I'm thinking of doing some animal paintings. Sat on the side of the rode yesterday watching 8 deer grazing in the woods. I think I'll do a series of dogs,deer and raccoons. I see raccoons in my dreams over and over. I'll check that out. That,meaning the raccoons could be I've been thinking about them since I saw some in a tree and remembered
Little Ricky Raccoon.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Nov. 29th 7:40
This is "Hunterdon Co Landscape" Big,really big. In 2 sections maybe 6 x 9 ft or more. I did this as part of the NJ State council on the Arts program artists in education. Can't believe I used to
roam all over the state. I would drive 150 miles a day to work in a studio set up in the school.
Pud would stalk me here. I would see him driving in the opposite direction. He made up all kinds of lies to the administration about me,do all kinds of crazy stuff. Anyway,worked here for a year before being sent to Salem,NJ. Oh,this is what I was working on when I lost the studio. Lost the rotary dial phone. It was 1983. I went to Salem in 1984. My studio is in the school but at home it is now in the barn.
I had 2 shows to get ready for. Camden Co Cultural and Heritage Comm and Rutgers University.I had a job a CCCand HC but had to quit, know why? Lies and stalking!
Anyway show at Rutgers was my last one for 10years. I got pneumonia from working in the freezing cold barn. Pud said I didn't seem to want to do art anymore.Ha! Is he kidding? I have
pneumonia, frozen hands and feet, no job oh,forgot,he got me thrown out of my gallery in Santa Fe. I was in a show in NYC and he started a big fight with the owner,then he crushed the hand of an instructor at the PAFA which didn't do me any good. But,there is a but! It was for my own good. I get it now,get it now?