Dec. 13 9:12 am

Just read all my notes after the NYC show. I was lost. Tried to reconcile because the world had changed but as usual,what about me. I spend enough time in the dark hole,but now I was sent there,and by this "Lady" I worshiped. Felt abandoned. Decided it was a test. Just like I justified the Halloween poster contest. When I was in high school I would work so hard on these stupid posters and always lost. I would lock myself in my room for days writing suicide notes.

Anyway, I'm in the notebook on Friday June 28th 2002. Some how I managed to live. I wrote that I realize I get depressed,gee,that sure is a revelation. I have a show coming up in Nov. and I am starting to feel the pressure. I painted my life with Pud and not one person got it, I painted the Guadalupe and NYC got destroyed, I made puppets and "they" said why aren't you painting. I felt so guilty after 9/11 because I wanted it so much. The people that died were all so successful. Money,family, etc and I wanted one crummy day. I felt like I was stuck in mud with the devil.