March 2 6:57 am

I'm remembering why I started writing this. It was from the original notebook. That one that went back some many years to a terrible life. It was a time that never ended.On and on it went until one day I flew away on that white dog. Strange thing,no matter how far or high I go , it will follow. There is something about people,certain people, that no matter how hard you try, once they get in your head they live there. Dormant just waiting. These sleeping crumbs of people are always there,just waiting for the perfect moment. Like Sunday,what a great day. New work. finally had my shows in place.

I was at one of my galleries and framed 3 new pieces for the next show. On the way home I stopped and did some shopping then a nice dinner and video with my doggies.

Then those dormant little crumbs start falling out of my phone. The insults,humiliation,the hateful onslaught of words. Those awful words,the sticks and stones that I kept in the back of my mind for so many years that every day I struggled to keep them there came at me. they are always in the same form and they work. They work hard and the do there job. they get out. Out of the phone they came and back in my head. Now I believe it. that's how it works that's how it's designed to work. I wanted to go to bed last night but went to a meeting, I sat in a paranoid trance. Trying to think of something to say and nothing came. Now the demon crumbs of words make me frightened. Now the crying starts and I just want to go to sleep with my doggies.

Now,how do I get them out of my head, I'll hear them all day. Everyone has an answer but they don't get it. It's easy. Spooky Dracula guy sneaks in and sucks the blood that's what it's like.

I take so many photos and have been digging out old ones. I couldn't figure out what to do with them. I starred at the notebook I started and nothing worked. This is why I like process. It keeps you going through all the frustration. I always manage to come up with what I want.

Small world, black hole. where ever I go I always seem to come back. If only .... well forget if only. Framing 2 pieces of new work. See what happens.

Feb.28 8:36 am

Visited my small world and couldn't get out. I have some much in my mind but couldn't figure anything out. Spent all day Friday determined to bring the large Cheerleader painting to an end,successful end. Don't know,not happy with it. not that it's bad. I took yesterday. I didn't want to talk to anyone and certainly didn't want to do more bad art. Some big issues last week distracted me and I needed time to myself. I have to move away from the painting and come up with a different approach. Was on a high after visiting the Gorky show so got a ticket for Picasso.

Sat at the computer and with wine in hand searched for doggie pictures. I HAVE doggie pictures.

That is were I screwing up. I can always do the painting,I can do that in my sleep. It's what and how to paint it. I can paint the doggie pictures but how to do it fresh.

I need to deliver 2 pieces to a gallery today and refuse to take old or reworked crap! So yesterday I cleared my head and this morning was determined to figure it out. At least a start.

Feb. 23 6:32 am

Eureka! Brainstorm. I found a bunch of cosmetic bags and they are the perfect size for my current notebooks. I carry them around with paint,magazine clippings and a box of oil pastels which spilled all over yesterday. Well,this new idea puts each one in it's own container. So far I have 7 started. I have so many books in various states of falling apart- ness. I also don't want to give up any original brilliance. "Behave" was one of my first. Then, "The Rule Book" then "How to Choose a Boy". I'll go back to that one first, since it will be with my dog day show. I make no sense!

But this is how the process works, it all,and will come together. Reading one now I forgot "See

Her Change" It was a small book about 2"x 3" and with regret,took apart. Now,`that is one for the cosmetic bag that I can put together.

This is the merge. Now,to figure out how to do this in real life.

Feb 20 8:19 am

Worked most of yesterday on the Cheerleader painting. So,it isn't about good or bad painting.

It's about want I want to do with the idea. The model to the painting and how to abstract it. I'm trying to learn from myself. The painting is 4 x 5 ft. Also need to put it aside,finish the notebook and concentrate on building my found object sculpture.I also have to step back and decide what is going where.I end up spending time on these experiments like a mad scientist and forget everything else. I merged the model on to the painting so I'm thinking of a large transparent drawing glued to the surface of the canvas.

Feb 18th 7:21

Woke up this morning with the strangest thought. Not a dream but a recollection of something about a vise. Kept playing it over and over in my head until I remembered it was a TV show.There was this shadow of a women,small,and this giant vise squeezing her to death. It was "The Vise"

Caught in the jaws of a vice,stories of people caught in dilemmas of their own making.

So just one of my thoughts. I seem to get myself in places I don't want to be. Ah the disease to please.

Yesterday worked on a few things at work I have a 5 yr old assistant who helps me cut and paste.

I like her thoughts. She'll too much black or don't change the cover. I take it all in,it's honest.