Feb 5 8:09 am

Going back to the original notebook I got out this painting to either work on or paint over.

Title, "Where Dreams Go". To understand I go back to when I was leaving my big house. Mr Put You Down,yes ,we are back to him,had this habit of blowing smoke in my dog's face or,when I would go to bed,stand at the bottom of the steps and blow smoke up to the second floor. Anyway,

where do dreams go? they go up in smoke. To this day I hate the smell of cigarettes. Makes me zone out. Why do people want to smell that way. I gave my talk the other night and realize I need to listen more to what say. Have lots of work to do today. I have lots of compositions ready for the cheerleader. And want to start the dog days book.

Feb.2 6:36 am

Now I no for sure I am nuts! Got up at 4 am as usual. Out with the dogs, turn on computer,start the water boiling, bring in the dogs and feed them and then, I go in to the dining room to plug in a glue gun. Why? It's 4 am What is wrong with me. I took several things apart and can't stand them just sitting unfinished plus I came up with the idea they should all be more of a group. Well,unplugged the glue gun and decided to go back to where I left off in the notebook from 2007. I had picked up a deck of cards called the "Whack Pack" trying to whack myself in the head. Things were so confusing for me then,not that I'm still not confused,but I just couldn't concentrate. I did lots of reading trying to find that one voice,that one comment. I made lots of lists of what was important and what was not.One thing I noted was to go back to my most successful pieces and figure out what made them good. Hey! I think I'll take my own advice. That's why the the last big painting failed. Yoda said "Try? There is no try. There is do or not do"

Feb 1 5:11

After dragging the painting up to the garage and spraying it I decided I didn't like it,why waste any more time and paint. Now what am going to do. I need work for my gallery and have nothing. The other painting I did manage to fix but I'm working on top of something ,that is to say there is a painting underneath. That's the cheerleader. The book is started,the painting and the model is home so forget about that for a while.

Here is what I did. I took small 6"x8" prints of the Evening Bag becomes the Lady in Red becomes disaster and glued them on little canvases. Then used paint and oil pastel to create a bunch of Miss America's These guys are little and all are 3-D .I broke apart a bunch of cameras for the heads and the clothing is made vintage paper dolls. This painting went from 6 ft to 6 in.

I have to give a talk on Wed night on how I do what I do,I actually I just make stuff,all the time.By the way,had a miserable day on Friday which is probably why I screwed up the big painting but I am able to process the crappy side of my life and push forward with something new.

Jan 30 5:51 am

I wish I could understand how my mind works. I was waiting for a train yesterday,nobody on the platform and just the sound of this leaking water pipe dripping. The echo of the sound filled the tunnel. I started to count the tiles on the floor and figured there were 5 tiles then the yellow strip then the tracks. That's all, just 5 tiles. I figured if you walked those 5 tiles it would take about 5 seconds and then you would be on the yellow strip, then the tracks so say total 8 seconds.

The train could never stop in 8 seconds. That's what I thought listening to the dripping water pipe.

Jan 29th 4:40 am

Working on 2 big paintings, and 1 book as well as reading notebook from 2007. not happy with the paintings so I'll bring one up to the garage to spray paint. When in doubt, spray. I was working on a puppet head that was to be exhibited in an alumni show. It was August and I was spray painting an old porch column for the pedestal. Bright yellow needs several coats. Upon delivery of this bright yellow pedestal and puppet head I was going through the toll booth on the bridge and turned to see the band from Star Wars sitting in my truck!. Never,never spray paint in August without a mask,ended up in the emergency room.So, it's about 20 degrees today so I'm spray painting the evening bag who became the Lady in Red. I'm re-working the whole composition of the 2nd painting.I cut up a book on 20th century art and added some or should I say borrowed some shapes from Picasso,he'll never find out. Now the good news is in the 2007 notebook I found a series of drawings. Self portraits with dogs and some of my cat Rudy. I'll use these for the July show. Lady in Red has to be delivered Sun so hopefully I won't screw up.

I also took the heads off of 3 of the DaDa dolls. Not a big deal,I do this all the time.

Jan 26 5:23 am

Got up early and read the entire notebook from 2004. Wow was that boring. sometimes it's hard to remember what a struggle these last 10-12 years have been. Struggling to get back my art was like starting all over. The work was so bad ,yet,I kept on going. Remember a friend said "The art will get you through." She was right. I found the dog picture of Raven so I can start that book.

The cheerleader is going fine. This will be different Miss America. More abstract. Also decided to take a few shadow box frames apart to put my books in. Thinking if I leave the glass off you can turn the pages. One thing of interest from 2004 was the devil puppet showed up again.

this is the poem I start the new book with seems like it goes with the theme. not sure where

I found it. I'll get out the typewriter so I can ad words to the pages.

Everyone whacks her with tiny blows

the way you peel an egg.

With desperate bursts of perfume

she strikes back at the world

With sharp giggles she gets even

For all the sadness.

and with quick little fallings-in-love,

like burps and hiccups of feeling.

A terrorist of sweetness.

she stuffs bombshells with despair and cinnamon,

with cloves,with shrapnel of love.

at night when she tears off her jewelry,

there's a danger she won't know when to stop

and will go on tearing and slashing away at her whole life.

Jan 24 4:37 am

Back to a notebook from 2004. this page is so ridiculous

I had to take a photo. I love "The Song of Bernadette"

The book Franz Werfel,a worldly man,a European Jew who would drink from the spring at Lourdes everyday praying for a miracle I guess because he was trying to escape with Alma Mahler,European wench who was carrying Gustav Mahler's musical scores. Franz vowed if he ever got out of Europe he would write the "Song of Bernadette" He did and Alma took up with Klimt or Kokoschka or was that before Werfel. Who knows.

2004 was when I started to use the computer. I drew kitchen tools and would work over and over just trying to learn all the effects. Printed then then either drew or used them in collage. It certainly turned out to be a very minor phase although I did win a prize from the Fellowhip of The Pennsylvania Academy. That made it worth it. I drew a toaster,turned it upside down and it became a dog.