Jan 15 2:06 pm

I'm off on Friday to do art and I have been doing art all day. At least trying to figure out my new paintings. If I had been writing in my notebooks I would have been writing all day since I can't figure this out. I wanted to start the self portrait with ellie and the cheerleader. I'm trying to paint like a painter. I work on it,photograph,back to work. I'm working on top of an old painting in case I screw up. Maybe it's okay to screw up since I didn't want to do this at all today. I was so excited Sunday,always excited when I'm left alone in my own world. I'm thinking about all the times when I screwed up. I wore a black dress to a dance and was told it was ugly,pierced my ears and was called a gypsy. Why is it some people are compelled to tell you what it is you are doing wrong. Like they are the masters of the universe. Done with painting today,I'm going to cut up some magazines.

This painting is about 4 x 6 ft and the small model is about 12" high .

Jan.12 7:01 am

Woke up at 4:30 thinking about Picasso's dog Lump.He didn't just paint the dog,he painted Lump as part of the painting. I have one photo of Raven,my black lab,running around in front of a painting when I was trying to take a picture. I have to find that photo. spontaneous. That's what I want for my dog paintings. got out a smaller notebook and will start with pencil. the sharpie always comes through the page.

I went back to the original "Evening Bag" painting which was at first a model. I painted a red dress on her so now she is the Evening Bag becomes the Lady in Red. Just wanted to push the paint a little further. The little models to big paintings,did it before so will try that again. I made one called "Self Portrait with Ellie" This is the next painting. I started a canvas of the first notebook. Attacked it like some kind of maniac and never went back to it so I'll use it for this.

Lay it out tonight.

Jan. 11 6:03 am

What a day I had yesterday sort of like having a date with myself. Wanted to see this exhibition at the Phila. Art Museum and yesterday was my last chance. I get all consumed in that little world I describe and not only dig a hole but fall in it. Like Alice fell in the hole after the rabbit. Sat I almost finished the notebook about "Evening Bag" she becomes Miss America she doesn't think she is beautiful and she's not but still she gets her crown. then started working on a new book about dogs. Failed,not because they didn't look like dogs but I knew I could do better. I want to explode my ideas. Explode my little dolls,my dog drawings. I can with the paint,I no how but fall back into the small world ,the hole. This is where yesterday came in. I got this book,Arshile Gorky,the early years. It is a drawing course for me. Plain and simple,pencil. that's it. all my notebooks are the same sharpie pen. Change is what I need. the next book is Genesis of Abstraction. I know I can do that and that is how I want to look at the dogs. Then I found 3 books about "DADA " and the revolt,my found sculpture has to get big!

All I have written is the process to recovering,well,recover and move on! I really want to test how much I can do ,howfar I can push the work. The portraits from the black hole need to be looked at,they are too tight. Need to blow them up,literally.

Here she is...."Miss America!"

Jan 9 7:25 am

Good grief it's the tower card again. I think that is speaking to me.I need more research on this card.

Anyway, I decided to take Friday off and devote the time to just doing art. Yesterday was the first.

Oh,forgot the dream stuff. I was going to write yesterday morning but concentrated on having a dream so much I had this terrible nightmare. Lots of knife throwing and stabbing. Freaked me out. I'll get that easel in today and try the drawing project. So I'll go back to the dream notebook and then to yesterday which is about the "Evening Bag".

I large branch falls to the ground in my front yard and a bird is lying upside down and dead.It is a blue jay and it only has one leg. The drawing I did for this painting is very complicated. I like the painting. In fact,I traced all the birds and made chalk figures on sticks. When I went through my cut up everything in sight I would glue images on sticks or stuff them. They usually ended up in they trash. A huge one of "The Matachines" from my grant I cut and stuffed.

I'll post the photos of the bird dream but then I have to go back , I forgot about an interesting event I go digging through old photos and, oh my, something unpleasant comes to mind.

I start this rambling and get distracted.

Francoise Gilot was an artist who lived with Picasso for many years and later married Jonas Salk. Where did go wrong. anyway she was having a show at a nearby college and PUD aka JSB

said he would take me. Oh boy, got all dressed up in these clickity clacky shoes. Had great fun,

except the next day I was or we were going to a restaurant in Philadelphia where 2 famous chefs were cooking brunch. He was green and sick from the night before from copious drinks so

I ate 2 brunches and several very expensive glasses of wine. don't know why I kept trying. No wonder knives fly through my dreams.

Jan.6 8:22am

What in the world do I do with my time. I'm up between 4 and 5 am. Of course these crazy dogs don't help. Back to the dreams,oh,and, of course the battery was dead in my camera.

I woke up this morning thinking of a dream but didn't have a dream. I guess when you try to hard it doesn't happen or I forgot like the battery. This one is about my grandmother,she is wearing a rust/red dress and we are having dinner in a baseball field. Several of the drawings from these dreams are abstracted so I'm not sure what goes together.

Jan 5 6:12 am

I've been thinking about all these dreams and still don't have my easel in the bedroom. I almost took it to the thrift shop but know I really want to try that idea. I try many more ideas in fact,have a basement full of ideas.Anyway, I have these 4 shows pending and the one in Sept is about all this stuff I write. when I look at these drawings I want to be careful to take care of them. I make no sense. this one is strange,Ha! There is a dear person in my life who thinks I'm strange,can't imagine that. We,for the sake of this dream,we will call PUD,JSB. He shows up all the time. Anyway JSB is driving and won't speak to me. We go to a hallway,there is a bathroom and someone is watching. they left a pear core in the toilet. I tried to research this dream and what's with the pear. found lot's of fruit but no pear. In the drawing there seems to be a mouse but I think it's a hood ornament. I used about 5 of these dreams for paintings. The one with the Guadalupe was about 3 x 6 feet. Never painted the pear core.

Jan 26:6:53 am

Again,the tarot card of the day is the Tower.

Strange it came up again. I didn't explain. It's represents ambition. Ambition which leads to conflict and strife. A tower is built high and into the air,a symbol of personal drive and ego. Goals lie in conflict with powerful surrounding forces and forces of nature.

Well I know I'm ambitious. I also know when something or someone gets in the way there is conflict. I have to think about this card.

I found another notebook that I wrote all my dreams in. I painted some of them. some are just drawings. I was thinking about this book last night. I have lots of nightmares. I started writing them down when I read somewhere that Margaret Mead put an easel in her daughters bedroom so when a nightmare woke her up she would draw what she saw. Hey just walked across the street and picked up a child's easel. You non -believers it must be a sign. think I'll try it.

Anyway,the dream diary I found,of course,has no date but since it's ongoing doesn't much matter. Oh my,here is what I wrote on the first page. I also made a drawing.

"Remember that they were eating the skin of a snake. The Guadalupe was surrounded by forks. Bright silver forks. I gave someone a watch with a second hand. The snake sken was passed to me and I felt sick.

I had a entire show of these paintings. A writer asked "Who would ever buy such paintings"

I remember telling him Ozzy Osbourne.